Kammerjunker Harold, of the House of Hamburg
Old postcards, of a no-longer-extant statue, lead me to an interesting bit of early American history.
In college, I became interested in the study of colonial emigration to North America. It’s a field that’s rich, complex, and often surprising.
Why would people suddenly leave the Old Country, with all the Shakespeare plays, great wines, fun accents, Eiffel towers, etc. and go live in a wilderness?
Religious wars, family squabbles, a gradual weariness with eating bread soaked in olive oil, are the usual back stories. Escape from feudalism and blood feuds, incessant bagpipe and accordion playing, and other loud wheezing kinds of sounds, from aristocrats and their drafty castles. But this statue tells one of the other, less-well-known motivations, and thereby hangs a tale.
One of the most powerful royal families in Europe, the Hapsburgs were a case study in inbreeding. They suffered from an exaggerated chin (“Hapsburg jaw”), gout, depression, dropsy, and an overfondness for Bourbons.
Their cousins, the House of Hamburg, had all these hereditary problems, and more.
Including, in a few cases, and not to put too fine a point on it, tails.
The Hamburgs are usually only remembered now, because their difficulty in chewing caused them to create ground-meat patties, which became popular for a time as “hamburgers”.
Examine the portrait above – – around this nobleman’s neck hangs a tiny dead sheep.
Now look at the pedestal in the picture below, with its goat heads.
What are the artists trying to tell us?
The pedestal was inscribed “Postremo superbia semper,” and “Last to leave the fight,” although a more literal translation would be, “Bringing up the rear with pride”
A sword hilt is visible, but in fact, the Hamburgs never carried on their persons, so much as cuticle scissors, due to a neurotic aversion to the sight of blood.
The hilt is just a prop.
Poking out from under the cape, disguised as a scabbard, but fooling no one, we see the hereditary Hamburg tail.
The family fled the Old World — which had turned it’s back on them – – subjected to persecution, and often painfully pinched, when people were too quick to slam shut those enormous bronze doors they have on castles and churches.
Aristocrats who were destined to never sit upon a throne, because they just couldn’t sit comfortably on anything other than ottomans.
Off they went to America, back to fundamentals, to establish a new family seat, a place to rear their young.
But their New World colony “Hinterland” (near present-day Piscataway) was short-lived and tragic, and with the exception of a huge number of porcelain cats, no artifacts of any note have been unearthed at the site. Why did they settle on that particular spot? No one knows. The Hamburgs, famously articulated in some ways, never clearly articulated their plans.
They left, but didn’t leave a note, and probably became extinct or something.
So there’s really no reason to talk about them anymore.
UpState & Away - - - - Waterlooseneca.com 
It’s like Drunk History. And now I wish I was.
might help. It’s actually overly-caffeinated history, I can never make it through all the verbiage on the brass plaques.
Ha! This piece is really funny. Thanks for making me laugh on a chilly grey morning.
I’m glad, thank you!
Haha, great post dude! Informative and made me laugh. Perfect combo.
Thanks, Kevin! I was almost believing it, by the time I was done. 🙂 Have a great weekend!
Thanks Robert! You too!
Hahaha! You’re nuts, you know that? 😉
Thanks Val, this was probably one of my more normal days.
🙂 Most of my days are like that.
I think I have a question or two for one of my customers. His first boat was named Hamburg, and his new boat is (appropriately enough) Hamburg II.
At the very least, I need to take a better look at the boat’s prop. I wonder if it’s been adjusted to the hilt?
The colony was mortgaged to the hilt, too. No wonder we lost track of them, they skipped out on the bill collectors, and sailed away to Texas! It all makes sense now.
That’s quite a tale…
Thanks for reading, Dave. If I find out any more about the colony, I’ll add an appendage.
I’ll be damned, that is a tiny dead sheep necklace. Where can we get one of those?
You have to join the Order of the Golden Fleece. It’s something to do with knights, and sheep, I inquired no further.
This would have been appropriate for April 1.
Well Steve, the whole country seems locked into an April Fool state, so I’m celebrating it year round now
I’m certainly glad we have you to educate us on history and all it entails.
Thank you, Melissa. I’m finding the research goes much more easily, when you just make it up!
Absolutely and it frees up so much time that way 🙂
I swear it just clicked. “entails” good one!
🙂 🙂
I enjoy your history lessons so much, I read them with a constant wide smile and haven’t even yawned once! Thanks also for the bonus fun fact about hamburgers – about time I found out 🙂
Thank you, and I’m glad — history should be fun!