Some people in my household believe we need to eat “ancient grains” for breakfast, instead of starting your day like a civilized human being, with coffee, home fries, eggs, toast, and bacon.
I’ve had a lot of time to think about this, as a semi-pro historian, as I sit chewing. And chewing.
Did you ever think, that the people who came up with these ancient grains, pretty much all ended up as mummies?
And their civilizations are in ruins.
Why? Because they couldn’t hear their enemies coming, over all the crunching.
I mean, the Babylonians, Tlaxcaltecas, Chaldeans, Assyrians, etc. are all gone, daddy, gone.
There’s no coming back from a bad breakfast.
They lost their birthright for a mess of pottage.
Does that even sound like a good idea? I mean, I don’t even know what exactly that is, but who wants something called “a mess of pottage” first thing in the morning?
They could no longer communicate, too busy chewing, their molars worn down, and couldn’t shout warnings like “Nebuchadnezzar, Ashur-etil-ilani, Cyaxerxes, take heed and beware! Vigorous tribesmen who’ve had a proper breakfast are storming the gates, whilst our dispirited guards still sit at table, chewing! ”
Just try yelling that out, with a mouth full of pottage.
All they could do is mumble, and try to find the darned belt for their bathrobes, while they were overrun by tribes with chariots and bacon.
Nomadic tribesmen swept in from the steppes, because their horses were attracted by all the cereal, and their riders were highly caffeinated and restless.
And the bacon-eating nomads were immune to many of the era’s plagues, because mosquitoes and rats were repelled by their greasy appearance and nitrate-laden blood.
This is just a hypothesis, really. The Tower of Babel? Same deal. C. B. C. Cereal-Based Chaos. And just overwhelmed by choices: whole-grain, steel-cut, stone-ground, rolled, millet?
I’m going to keep working on this, tentatively entitled “Guns, Wheat Germs, and Steel” or alternatively, “Gums, Germs, and Steel-Cut Oats” something like that.
But first, I’m going back to bed, until it’s lunchtime.